For some reason as I struggled with drinking, I always thought in the back of my mind, don’t worry. That if it gets too bad, where I’ve fucked up too many things, that I can finally make it time to quit drinking and everything will be ok.

 

Its sort of that messed up thinking that got me in trouble in the first place. Blame it on alcohol, something or someone else and if needed I can fix and control everything.

 

As I continued fighting this ridiculous battle with drinking, not drinking, over drinking, binge drinking, trying to set boundaries, breaking set boundaries, repeating cycle over and over. I was causing so much harm. Mostly to myself, but also those around me. Closest of all my now ex wife. A sad story that many of us who suffer with drinking issues know all too well.

 

After 10 years married, 6 or 7 of which were filled with fun and goofy drinking life. The last 3 or 4 started to turn sad. Depressed drinking followed by anxiety, irritable behavior, fear, selfishness and self-sabotage. It had gotten so bad that I had pushed my wife away.

 

As the end neared, I finally said enough was enough with drinking. A Hail Mary attempt to save our marriage. But more so to save my life. A month before she moved out, I would quit drinking for a goal of one year.   But it was too late. As you can imagine, that first month wasn’t filled with bliss and happiness. Rather, stress of being a new white-knuckle sober guy. Eyes wide open, trying to put together the pieces frantically as my wife started packing up.

 

I tried desperately to convince her this would fix it all. She wasn’t so sure. Often times, claiming I don’t see any change in your behavior. Man at times that was close to pushing me over the edge, but I stayed strong. Focused and determined.

 

For some reason I was convinced that by me taking on this challenge it would fix everything in our relationship. That there was this happy sober fairy that would fly in and make everything all ok. Since in my mind, alcohol had caused much of the harm in the first place. By taking this off the table it would all be fixed.

 

Well sorry to say, just like the tooth fairy, I’m not so sure it exists… But before one would read this and say fuck it then, I’m going to get drunk. Let me add, there is a benefit. In fact, there are literally so many benefits. I’ve listed before and if you don’t know the benefits of getting sober well then you aren’t really ready or trying.

 

But the biggest benefit is ones’ wellbeing. Real, honest, to the core wellbeing. It’s not in a fantasy happy sober fairy. Its in being full on clear, vulnerable and pure. Even proud of yourself.

 

No, quitting drinking, getting sober, going alcohol free didn’t miraculously save my marriage. However, it might just have saved my life. I’m a year and half without that stress and toxin in my life (booze, not her, ha ha cheeky dig). I’m sad to lose what I thought was a wonderful marriage. A deep loving relationship with her. But I’m not sorry to lose the fake love of my life and long relationship with alcohol. The comparison of going through both at the same time was intense, emotional and laden with similar behavior. In one sense I’m freer now. Like or not, its me right now and I accept that. I forgive me. I forgive her and booze fuck you…

 

I let loose on my therapist the other day. Saying I came here for help saving my marriage and fixing myself. But that didn’t happen, my life is falling a part. In his calm therapist tone, he said, “is it? or is it falling right into place? Exactly where you should be in life right now.”  Ugh i thought to myself, nodding the possibility that he was probably right.

 

Look in the end, i haven’t seen this happy sober fairy.  But does that mean i shouldn’t believe it it?  Like Santa or the Easter Bunny.  They do act in mysterious ways.

 

I can tell you this; going alcohol free may not solve anything, but I’m convinced it helps everything!