(journal entry 13 years back).

Today, I woke up hungover again.  It’s a Tuesday morning.  I tossed and turned all night as thoughts of work, stress and that horrible headache got me out of bed.  My wife still asleep next to me.  Feeling like shit I walk to the kitchen for a glass of orange juice and aspirin.  My dog Dexter looks at me, his ears down with a look of disapproval.  I let him out.  

I clean up empty wine bottles, cigarette butts and glasses.  Trying to hide the evidence that we drank so much.  I feel like shit.  The word remorseful comes to mind…

My drinking problem is starting to really kick in.  I go a couple days without anything to drink then I find a reason as simple as going out to dinner with my wife, to have 3 beers.  Then on the way home, stop by the store for some cheap wine to partner with our after dinner smoke.  I don’t ever smoke unless I’m drinking.  That after dinner smoke turns into 4 or 5 and the bottle of wine is gone.  Drive back to store for another bottle of bad wine because we just want one more glass.  I feel like shit and my mouth is dry and disgusting with a hint of old cigarettes and wine breath.  I look in the mirror and see an aged 35 year old losing his features.  Its official I look like shit.

The “I hate me’s” now really set in.  I try and go to the computer for some emails but my mind doesn’t really work.  It’s foggy, my eyes are blurred and I continue to wonder why I do this to myself.  Why do I let myself down like this?  I know I have a problem and I need to change.  I hate me so much.

I need to change NOW.  I need to change my lifestyle, I need to do this for me, I need to do this for my wife, I need to do this so we can create a family, I need to do this because I want to do this.  I am ready to grow up.  I am ready to be the person I know I can be.  I’m ready and hopefully it starts today damn it.  Now!

When I’m sober, I enjoy so many things.  I enjoy my health, I enjoy working out, I enjoy projects, I enjoy dreaming and going after those dreams.  I enjoy my incredible wife and our time together, I enjoy walks with our dog, I enjoy taking on work and challenges of life.  I enjoy being sober, I enjoy reading, writing, playing sports, biking.  I enjoy fun!  

Hungover, I hate me.  Hungover, I don’t like work, I don’t like my health, I don’t like my behavior, my head, my thoughts, myself.  

It’s that simple.  I can change.  I will change and it will happen.  It will happen NOW!  I can do it; I’m up for the challenge.  Bring it! 

Today I will suffer.  Tomorrow I will be amazing.  Today I will not drink, tomorrow I will feel great.  Today I will make the change, tomorrow will be the beginning.  And I look forward to the future.  I look forward to my life.  I look forward to happiness and look forward to the NOW…

(present time below).

*I did not quit drinking after that journal entry, nor did I quit after many other similar journal self hate / self help words of desperation. I struggled with drinking all through my 30s.  You wouldn’t know it from afar.  I had a nice life, nice wife. Nice home.  A good job. Was sort of healthy, active in skiing, mtn biking, tennis and even a half ironman.  I didn’t look like a drunk.  Yet this entry illustrates the many days a week I struggled.  

It was 8 years after this entry that I finally said enough is enough with alcohol.  As depression kicked in hard, life challenges abundant. Years of heartache that brought my marriage to a dark time.  I was 30lbs over weight. Feeling like shit, broken and lost as my wife prepared for divorce.  My head spun and my heart hurt. Physically and emotionally. 

At 42 after a charmed life of success I was desperate. I had lived a pretty fucking rad life.  I had chased a dream, became a professional athlete, traveled the world, lived big, had a dope home and successful career.  My life was full epic moments.  

But now, I was trying to save my marriage and life.  So the day before my 42^nd Birthday I took my last sip of beer. I had proclaimed this many times as my last drink.  But this was different.  This was real as i told my wife that I was going to take a year off of booze.  She nodded with no sense of confidence in me. 

So it began, on my birthday I enjoyed the relief of not having to get wasted. No booze! Day after day I kept going.  Diving into books, and the early days of sober podcasts (now there are a ton).  It wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t as hard either. As I learned more about the benefits of being straight edge, the more stoked I got.  

After one month sober, I thought maybe I was on the road to bliss…but the journey of living and forgiving past regrets and the future of a raw life was just beginning to start.  My wife of 10 years, packed up and left me.  I remember her saying after 1 month being sober, “I don’t see any difference”.  It’s almost comical now as I look back.  Yeah 1 month sans alcohol doesn’t fix 25 years of binge drinking.  Needless to say, I was white knuckling this new sober mother fucking lifestyle.  

As she left, things got more real man.  Yes I had an urge to go get wasted and hook up with some random women.  That was my go to in my 20s.  However, I had this tiny little base of new life. Sober life. and I’m convinced it was the key to keeping me alive.  That and I didn’t want to go be the overly emotional, drunk, divorced guy! I was already emotional enough at 30 days alcohol free.  I could only imagine the destruction I would have caused to my life, had I gone out drinking… 

So I stuck to it.  1 month became 2 as I embraced the non alcohol world. Speaking of non alcohol, for that first year, my go to in the evening was a non alc beer, and a smoke.  I fucking I hate smoking, but I was lost man.  I really enjoyed going outside on my deck looking at the amazing view and feeling sorry for myself as puffed down a gross cig.  Hey whatever you got a do, I thought.  And I still do.  

The divorce broke me down hard.  I really loved her and I was sad, mad and confused. We had a great marriage.  Until it turned.  That’s a whole another section of my book one day and hopefully I will lay out a nice finish in my relationship life.  

The crazy shit is how rad my life was before all this.  A bit wild as you could imagine with someone binge drinking around the world as a professional Xgame athlete.  I chased my dreams, i lived them and found amazing success.  

But getting sober started to highlight a lot of the regrets in those years.  Open up myself to trauma and the created trauma with the continued partying… 

The 7 concussions probably didn’t help with trauma and the drinking, drugs, depression and anxiety that would come later in life.  2 concussions stemming from partying… 

I even stood on a bridge contemplating.  Battling depression, anxiety and random weird phobia’s. I continue to dance with life’s ups and downs.  PTSD from a lawsuit. Darkness from divorce, isolation pre pandemic which was amplified during.  Its gnarly for sure.  But then again, its been full of realness.  Hard core, in your face raw realness. 

Which is probably exactly what its all about. And what I need. Getting real with myself. healing, forgiving, learning, living, loving.  And helping, which is part of why I write this.  To help others… 

I found this post looking back through past journals.  It spoke to me because I remember those days and the heaviness of what I was going through. 

I still have heavy days. But there is lightness in being 6 years sober.   I actually think it continues to get lighter the longer I am sober… So with that.  I continue… Now. 

Its been a long time since I’ve posted.  Not forgotten, rather just got into some patterns that moved me in another direction.  I’m now 5 ½ years sober and its the key to my health, stress reduction and lifestyle.  I still geek out at all the benefits and help others where I can.  I truly love being alcohol free! 

That said, this past weekend I was at a wild ski event that is all about the apres ski party.  For me it was like a reunion of old friends that I haven’t seen in years.  Not going to lie, I was a little nervy about attending given the amplified focus on party and drinking.  Not because I wanted to drink.   More because I’m just not that guy anymore.  Which can trigger some old memories of a different past me.  The party guy me.  Something I have a lot of conflicting emotions about.  Probably pretty standard I suspect for past party people.  

A few observations though.  Lots of smiles and fun for this charity event.  I do enjoy the energy of younger folk, stoked on life.  I saw lot of that along with retro costumes that made me smile.  Then I saw a few old friends that haven’t turned off the alcohol switch.  And that’s rough to see.  Aged and less energetic.  I’m trying not to judge or preach, but man I wish I could just tell them to let go of the sauce… but that’s their journey.  

Then this interesting coincidence occurred.  First, I connected with an old friend that is now part of this new craft Non Alc Beer brand.  I love this concept so much!  In fact, many years back I made a run at trying to start my own NA line of beer.  In part, the title of this blog.  So I’m hyped to see this brand do well.  They had a tent set up smack dab in the middle of the apres party deck.  A rowdy crowd and I wondered how the response would be as they offered free beer.  

*Side note, NA beer was my go to for my first year of getting sober.  The offerings back then were pretty lame, but it helped get me over the hump of drinking.  So I’m fully backing this concept. 

I was hyped to see many people stoked on the NA beer.  A few pregnant women were extra stoked.  While a lot of others were curious about the taste, the brand and sort of small head nod as they drank maybe their first NA beer.  The irony that I’m now helping this brand is rad and I hope they crush it! 

Then as I stood there talking to a few old buddies, some heaviness. A friend says his wife is leaving him after 22 years married.  I hurt for him.  My wife left me after 10 yrs. I try to offer some sincere support.  Then the friend next to us, says yeah, my wife is leaving me too…Brutal I thought to myself.  The three of us offered some nice words of support and shared in helpful tips to get through it.  

I felt for them as I know the trauma that divorce can cause.  However, I couldn’t help to smirk inside at the irony of three guys in their 40s hanging out at a NA Beer tent talking about their wives leaving them… Coincidence?  Did alcohol have anything to do with it?  I know for sure mine did.  I was a lush beer drinker in my 30s (and she had her own issues with alcohol).  Had I quit alcohol earlier in my life, I’m certain that would have helped. My two buddies, were not full Non Alc yet, but I hope they consider their relationship with it as a possible way to cope.  

I feel like there is some type of joke that starts with three guys talking in a NA beer tent… one says my wife is leaving me, another says mine too, third says mine already did… pass me a beer.  Then again, something really nice about connecting with a couple old friends, talking life and having a nice cold NA beer.  

Life is a trip.  Despite the hurt and heartache at times, taking a step back can offer a uniquely fascinating perspective.  It sure did for me this past weekend.  I appreciate being sober for it.  I hope others find their path in that direction as well.  

For now; Near Beer Me! 

I recently mentioned that I started attending 12 step meetings.  No doubt the timing could not have been more impactful given the current global events.  I am very grateful for the group support and program.  Essential for Alcoholics for sure.  I’d even argue essential for everyone…

I mentioned surrendering to a high power as being of value to me right off the start.  So freaking true right now.  Alcohol made everything in my life much more stressful.  More drama.  Super unhealthy.  Heightened anxiety and depression.  Amplified irritation, self-loathing and exaggerated my emotional negativity (to myself and others).  So, removing alcohol was super key.  

Past removing alcohol from my life, I still carried a lot of depression, self-pity and victimizing / blame.  I was hyped on the benefits of not drinking, but needed to work more on myself and my way of thinking.  In fact, my thinking was part of the problem.  I tried to out think everything.  Getting myself deeper into despair at times.  

The concept of surrender, I first felt was weak.  I don’t surrender, I’m a warrior I thought.  Then go into my warrior battle mode with everything in life, causing major stress.  Huh. That didn’t work.  I got to a point where I couldn’t understand why my life wasn’t working out the way I wanted it too.  Desperate, I went to the meetings and quickly found solace in surrendering to High Power.  Like almost immediately.  

I let go.  I surrendered.  I asked God or Universe, both really to take over for me here.  My ego was shot and thinking I could control and fix all is almost comical.  Especially since I have so little control on a lot of things.  This 3^rd step has been amazing.  

Now, fast forward a few weeks and we are in the middle of full on Pandemic.  OMG.  This is gnarly.  Yet, I keep surrendering to HP (higher power).  And guess what, it helps.  

Another phrase we’ve all heard but especially important in 12 step, is One day at time.  I never really understood how freaking important this was until now.  I have been living in the past, dwelling, ruminating, bumming.  Or opposite, tripping out about the future.  Worrying. Stressing.  Both places (past and future) don’t feed me positive energy right now.  They feed regret, and anxiety.  Not cool.  No fun. 

Then yesterday on my mtn bike ride.  Climbing a steep uphill grind, I thought about how much I’m enjoying it.  Despite pandemic, isolation, confusion, fear.  Or life stress about future.  Right there in that moment, I felt joy.  I was outside, elevated above the valley, sunshine, pumping exercise, sober, appreciating that moment.  It was very peaceful.  

As I continued on through the day into evening, I worked on enjoying the moments.  Surrendering stress to HP, getting back into the current moment.  Living in the present.  Looking for the goods.  

This morning I woke up, clearing out the negative thoughts and decided to take life One Day at a time.  For me I think that means.  Letting go of the past and not future tripping.   Instead focus on today.  Right now.  My early cup of coffee and how nice that is.  Or getting some time to write.  Thankfully I wake up Sober.  Grateful for that.   I have my health today.  The sun is poking through clouds.  I am rested.  Things like that.  

This current pandemic ups the game on stress for sure.  But if we can break down our life, and live right now.  One day at a time.  I think it will help us appreciate the goods.  Focus on simple positivity.  Appreciate the moments.  And lesson the noise.  

One day at time is a simple philosophy that we often forget.  But really, it’s all we got.  This day.  One day.  Right now.  Let’s live in that.  For those that struggle with addiction, let’s bring light to this idea.  Pump the brakes as cravings come.  Or Stresses that bombard you.  And focus on this one moment, this one day.  One step. Each moment.  Do that and I think we can all collectively breathe more peacefully.  

Well, it took me 3 plus years of sobriety to get to a 12 -step meeting.  Gotta say there is something special going on in them… 

First ,I am stoked on my 3plus years of being sober.  It was hard work.  Sometimes dark, other times great!  Many times blah, with periods of despair.  Combined with freshness, bright vibrant living.  For a sure a blessing and a better way to live.  

However, I did sort of think I was unique or different.  My ego was keeping me from this type of recovery.   Thinking my bull dog approach was enough.  Some ways it was, cause not drinking is the most important aspect for those of us with drinking issues.  Yet there was so much more for me to unravel.  

Getting sober was part 1.  But there is so much more goodness to discover.  That and my life was and is still full of challenge.  I found myself in a stuck spot.  Often depressed.  Self-loathing, victim / blaming.  Secretly saying in my mind, “I’m sober now, everything should be working out now”.  Ha.  

Life was throwing me some serious curveballs.  I was struggling emotionally.  So, I decided why not.  Time to check out an AA meeting.  

I know a bit about the program from books, podcast and other info I’ve taken in the through the past years getting sober.  I picked a meeting that I heard was good.  A noon meeting called the Lunch Bunch.  It was in a church and i made my way into the conf room.  Got there early and asked a nice woman about the rules.  She was super nice and explained the basics.  As the meeting started, they asked if anyone was there for their first meeting.  I said, yes and they all greeted me with a warm welcome and quickly got me a list of phone numbers.  So cool.  Such a pleasant start.  

Now mind you, I was 3 years sober, so I wasn’t in that world of detox that many new comers are.  But on the other hand, my spiritual sobriety was a shit show.  So much so, that I was really scared with my thoughts.  My anxiety and stress was next level.  Scary level.  Could the 12-step fellowship help? 

The meeting started and I was immediately taken by the honesty, the vulnerability and the beauty of the shares.  People were straight real in there.  About their struggles and their success, much in part to the program.  The friendships.  The steps.  

I could tell right away that this was for real.  I felt at ease.  I felt intrigued.  I felt understood.  I felt relieved.  I felt, dare I say… love.  This group of young and old, rough and tough, proper and kind, edgy and attitude, all had one thing in common.  The desire to help others get sober, so that they could stay sober.  It was a true love of that goal that bonded them.  And sure, I was the new guy, but I did not feel left out…

I suspect I will have many more posts regarding this program.  I know I will.   The steps.  They legit.  I can’t wait to get more into them.  Starting with step 1 being powerless over alcohol.  I get that, but even more I would say I’m often powerless over my mind.  It spins.  It can be negative.  It can drive me mad.  And I was a little concerned it could drive me to drink. 

Then step 2 believing in a power greater than you.  Yep.  I do.  I’ve been praying every night, my whole life.  My own personal relationship with God.  So, I like that.  And I believe in that.  God.  Universe. JC. My inner soul.  There is some type of Higher Power.  So, I’m good there. 

The big whammy was step 3. Surrender to that Higher Power.  WOW!  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  My mind spins and stresses me, but at some point, I said ok.  I surrender.  I cannot control my life this way.  I have to give up and admit I’m powerless and I surrender to HP.  Let go and Let God as they say.  And once I did that, I’ve been amping ever since.  Its real.  It’s the Serenity prayer.  Its everything.  

So that’s where I’m at right now.  The 3^rd step.  I walk around telling myself over and over, “I surrender to HP”.  Let go and Let God.  Trust.  Have Faith.  Its helping.  

Sober for a few years.   A great success for sure.  Yet a total newbie when it comes to spiritual sobriety.  That is something I’m looking forward to learn more about.  

They say one day at a time.  That’s me now.  Stoked on a new process.  A new program.  Beautiful souls.  Another first start.   

Keep coming back, it works if you work it… 

I’m considering changing the response to others when asked why I don’t drink.  It’s not that I’m ashamed or embarrassed to tell people I don’t drink anymore.  In fact, I sort of like it.  I kind of geek out on all the benefits when people ask.  

But as we nondrinkers know, it can sometimes be a long-winded conversation.  Or awkward if the person you’re telling probably needs to not drink as well and gives you a weird counter of oh yeah, I only drink on weekends.

Typically, when someone offers me a drink at a party that maybe I don’t know, I just say something like.  Thanks, but I’m all good.  Or actually can I just grab a water or sparking water?  Something simple and we move on.  It usually works fine.  

Other times, if I feel or maybe it just slips out, I’ll say something like; I’m good, I actually don’t drink anymore.  That might lead to follow up questions.  And good or bad, often a conversation about how long I’ve been alcohol free, or why, the benefits, or them telling me they took off a month once… 

However, lately I’ve been considering and toying with the idea of saying that I’m allergic to alcohol.  Something to the effect of, no thanks I’m allergic.  If they question, smile or laugh.  We can leave it that.   If they inquire, I can add, yeah, I didn’t realize it for about 20 plus years.  But I get an allergic reaction.   

Alcohol actually causes me to get red faced and puffy (like many allergic reactions).  Often confusing my system to want and crave more.  Which causes even more problems.  If continued, I get fat.  Especially in my gut.  The reaction also messes with my skin and causes weird dehydration.  

Oh yeah and sleep it really fucks up my sleep, causing me to wake up at 4 am, sweaty and stressed.  It’s a terrible reaction.  

The allergic reaction can even cause mental issues.  Like feeling really shameful, guilty and depressed.  Sometimes even causing anxiety.  Almost crippling anxiety.  

Yeah man. I’ve got some crazy allergy to alcohol.  It even helped cause my divorce and years of suffering.  Which ironically made me want more.  It’s the weirdest thing.  

Lucky for you that you don’t have this allergy.  Its gnarly.  But be careful.  I did hear that with enough continued alcohol use, you can actually create an allergy to it as well.  

Maybe your immune to it, but wow, not me.  

Meanwhile, can you pass me the peanuts, no allergies for me there.  

Ha. Just a little tongue and check in this weeks blog.  But maybe something I’ll throw out there once I a while… 

Happy New Year!  2020 just sounds so cool to say.  It’s going to be a banger of a year and I’m Stoked! 

With the NY, comes new intentions.  For me, I remember years and years of trying to do dry January’s only to fail days later.  It was almost comical if it wasn’t so un healthy.  I guess I wasn’t ready then.  And thankful now that I’m 3 years plus sobs.   

Ok.  First thing first.  I want to be thankful for what I do have.  Gratitude. I am so, so stoked to be sober.  Clear headed, healthy and focused.  I honestly think its saved my life.  As well as a long list of other super grateful parts of my life right now.  Family, Friends, health and coffee… to name a few.  

Next up. Intentions.  I intend to stay sober.  This day.  This year and beyond.  To help others.  To learn, evolve and grow stronger.  To be vulnerable, humble yet powerful and confident.  I intend to use this sober superpower, to heal, help and hype myself and others.  

I also intend to do more writing.  More blogging.  More reading.  More listening.  In efforts to help shed more light about living life sans alcohol. 

Now, not necessarily in regard to sobriety, but I’m also working on changing the emotional quality of my life.  As I’ve stated in these blog posts, I’ve been suffering bouts of depression and anxiety.  I call them D and A for short.  It’s a battle that many of us whom had drinking problems deal with.  And often leads me down a negative path.  So with this NY I’m going to focus on being Positive, looking for the good, being optimistic and changing my outlook.  This in attempt to push away that lame D word.  And shift my attention to all the great things that surround me.  

Next, I’m going to Trust.  I’m going to trust God.  Trust the Universe and Trust me… This to push the evil A word away and create a life of Faith.   

Maybe too much info for this blog.  But that’s me right now.  And I thought I’d share.  I’m pretty darn sure, I wouldn’t have been able to see these patterns and put together this plan of attack for 2020 if I wasn’t sober.  This is me evolving after removing a terrible toxin from my life.  Taking on more life challenges.  More emotional quality.  More mental health.  More Goodness.  

I hope others out there come to understand that removing alcohol leads to so many amazing discoveries.  It opens to a life that is still full of challenge, but also full of pure reality.  No more numbing, no more abuse, and much less suffering… 

So with that, 2020 is going to be epic!  A few days in and i have enjoyed so many pleasant moments.  I wake up sober.  I am thankful for that and so much more.  I appreciate the opportunity to write, to blog and I trust that the future will bring more good for those that look for it…

Happy 2020! 

Gotta admit i’ve been in a funk lately. Well actually on and off for years now. Dealing with life sober is intense man. Add a heartbreaking divorce and its all pretty heavy. It can be overwhelming for sure.

So there have been days, weeks where i’m just bummed out. I don’t feel stoked. i don’t feel anything really. Just there. And the one thing i do feel is the need to continue to be sober. Its my base. Like there is a lot of hurt going on and i’m taking on a lot of life’s challenges, but just make sure you don’t go down that path again. Its not desperate. Its a positive place to be. Learning from past mistakes is part of life’s challenge, right? Well hopefully anyways.

So at a family visit, i was in that dark space. Down and hurt. Trying to be upbeat and present, but lost in the process. While the family enjoys their wine, i stayed focused to stay away. Its not that hard actually as i see how others change when they drink. As we get older, its not a good look. Anyway, maybe its family and the fact that i can be comfortable with them. I stayed down. In a state of sadness / depression. For being divorced guy. For the hurt, the victim type of stuff. Some real. Some not. And some, just get your shit together and get over it type stuff…

During this time, a family member called me out as a Dry Drunk. Someone whom quit drinking but carries the symptoms of an alcoholic. For me this was feeling addicted to the negative. To the hurt. To self loathing. To guilt and shame. i even think i use the sadness and depressive behavior as comforting. So similar to drinking problem issues.

And its true. i do that at times. When i feel down, i grab onto more negative thoughts to comfort me in my sorrow. Tell myself i’m a loser. or go over the guilts of past drinking memories that didn’t help.

I actually do this often and i’m working on it. Acknowledging when i do that. Why i do it. How to change that behavior, etc.

Its likely Dry Drunk stuff. i could see how i am a Dry Drunk in many ways. Yet, one key win here. I am Dry! I’m not drunk. This is huge and i’m proud of that. I could easily go into a spiral and say whats the point, i’m a loser, I can’t even be sober well. I might as well drink…

But i don’t, i haven’t and sure as heck don’t wan’t too. Because maybe going through all this heaviness is part of the process. Maybe being a Dry Drunk is a learning stage. Maybe i can grow from this.

Plus in my opinion being a dry drunk is still way better then being a drunk.

Man, i’ve got a lot to learn. Coming up on 3 years sober is a huge victory for me. Fuck yeah! But the game is not over. Not sure if this game even has an end to it. Its a never ending game and coach put me into a new position.

I guess for me, this caught me off guard. Am i a dry drunk? Looks like i have some of those symptoms. But that does not define me forever. I will not be labeled this for the long term.

What i am, is Dry! That is true. and i am not a Drunk anymore. So in that sense, i am not a dry drunk.

Either way. i am learning. I’m living. I’m a work in progress. Thank you family member for pointing out some negative behavior. I’m going to get to work on that.

And thank you to me, for recognizing and accepting detrimental behavior so i can work on that.

I am Dry. I am not Drunk! Thats my Dry Drunk moving forward…

Throughout these posts, I’ve mentioned many benefits I’ve seen from going alcohol free.  At times it’s a nice reminder to myself and I’ll list again below for both you and me…  However, it occurred to me the other day, that I might be missing one of the most important benefits.  

First, lets start with the obvious; You stop putting a toxin in your body!   Your health starts to improve.  Your mind starts to clear from the fog and you become more Pure…  

This connects to your body and you start to heal.  Sleep becomes much better and more restful.  The inflammation in your body lowers.  

Over time you become more aware.  Maybe more calm.  Less irritable.  Life becomes more manageable.   

For me, relationships with family and friends became much more authentic and meaningful.  

My mind changed from thinking about drinking, when I could and could not, to a simple decision of not. Opening up more room in my head for productive thinking…

The practical benefits are also key.  I save money!   Lots and lots of money spent on wine, beer and booze.  Just last night I had a dinner at a nice restaurant, and laughed when I got the check.  $30. So rad!  Those $12 glasses of wine used to add up.  Now, they hardly charge me for a sparking water and lime.  Or a hot tea…

On that same note, eating has changed.  I’m way more conscious about what I eat.  Before, it was lots of food.  Big heavy meals.  Feeling full along with the empty calories of alcohol.   Yikes.  

So guess what, duh I lost weight when I stopped drinking.  Like 20lbs without doing much anything different.  My body leaned up.  My face was less puffy and that gut full of pale ales diminished. 

Then mornings became amazing.  I like to wake up and tell myself what I’m grateful for each morning.  And that often starts with, “I’m grateful to not be hung-over”.  This usually at 6am, as I gear up for a great day!  (I’m also grateful for coffee at that hour, but that’s a different topic).

The aches are gone.  I used to wake up with pains in my back, or just full body aches.  My insides were working over time to detox from the alcohol.  While I was dehydrated and exhausted.   Yeah, those are gone!  

My skin looks better. I used to be red faced.  Skin issues all the time.  Crazy what putting a toxin in your body does.  Switch that up for water and well you start to glow. It’s sort of beautiful. 

I could go on and on. There are literally so many benefits. But it recently occurred to me that one of the most powerful benefits to going alcohol free is the sense of accomplishment. Taking on one of the worlds most difficult challenges.   It’s empowering!  It’s real!   It’s unique!   It’s rewarding!  It’s no doubt challenging at times.  But that’s part of the journey and the beauty.  

It’s self-love!  It’s self-respect.  It’s seeing benefits.  Having more success in life.  It’s responsibility.  It’s Self-control.  It’s trust. It’s faith.  It’s discipline.  It’s love. It’s loyalty to yourself.  It’s mindfulness. It’s peace.  It’s power!  It’s humility.  It’s honesty.  It’s grace.  It’s freedom.  It’s bold.  It’s brave.  It’s compassion.  It’s devotion. It’s courageous.  It’s integrity.  It’s making a difference.  

It is self worth.  And it is wonderful!  

Sometimes, I forget. That I’m a badass on my unique journey. That I’m worth it.  And I’m stoked for taking on this life challenge.  Not many get to see this side of life.  Not many get to feel what I feel. I’ve felt the other side.  It was gnarly.  Now I’m feeling this side and it’s amazing.  

Empowered by challenge. Strength and growth from past failures. i am a work in progress, yet worthy of good.  i am becoming the man i’ve always wanted to be…

I’ll leave it on this quote by Burton Hills “happiness is not a destination.  It’s a method of life”.  

First off, I’m not sure about the term Alcoholism.  Its not a real medical term any more.  I think they use alcohol abuse disorder or something like that.  However, if that term is important to use for those in recovery, then by all means yes.   Own it, work on it and live it. 

It seems that we view an Alcoholic as a person whom has a disease where he or she cannot drink Alcohol responsibly.  Or rather has a problem regulating or stopping once they start drinking.  Ok fair enough.   

However if we follow a narrative that society puts on an Alcoholic.  It also likely includes a picture of someone whom lost everything.  Drinks in the morning, day and night.  Maybe homeless.  Maybe loud, angry, drinking out of brown bag on the streets, sort of thing. 

Or in a better light, an Alcoholic who is in recovery.  Going to 12 step programs. To work on their disease.  Working on their issues (which is such a incredible and vulnerable endeavor in my perspective).   However often still labeled as an Alcoholic. 

And in reality.  That’s fine.  If that’s what someone needs to do to get help.  I’m all game for it. 

I guess my point of this post after having gone Alcohol Free for over 2.5 years (and still going), is that I often get that question; Are you an alcoholic?  Or even more frustrating.  Dude, you aren’t an Alcoholic maybe you’re making too big of deal about this… 

The first time I was asked if I was an Alcoholic, I was caught off guard.  It was from a woman that I was sort of trying to date (right after a divorce and getting sober, mind you).  So I was really ripe with uncertainty.  When she asked, I gave a very genuine “I don’t know”. 

And I don’t.  I don’t know if I’m the type of person that can’t stop.  Or will drink 24 hrs a day.  Or will have withdrawals.  Shakes.  Live on the street or lose everything.  I’m just not sure.

I do know that in the past I did binge drink; I had a problem stopping when I started.  Got terrible hangovers, depression and anxiety.  Insomnia and cold sweats after a long weekend of drinking while trying to sober up on a Sunday night. 

I lost a lot too.  A marriage.  Money.  Lost goals.   And was losing my mental health, wrecking my physical health and continuing on that path was looking pretty gnarly. 

But wait, I wasn’t an alcoholic?  I didn’t wake up and drink every day.  I wasn’t living on the street.  I remember using that dialogue to keep convincing myself I wasn’t an Alcoholic.  That I just needed to control myself better.  And all would be ok.  Keep drinking. Your ok.  Your good. 

It was a cycle that I carried for years.  Like from college to my 40s…

But hey, at least I wasn’t an “Alcoholic” right…

Though looking back now.  And my observations from friends whom are struggling with similar issues.  I think this whole label of Alcoholism is actually perpetuating the problem. 

I mean there are those that have legit Alcoholism or addiction problems.  It’s terrible and I know a few.  So not trying to disregard that heaviness of that. 

Yet, somewhere in between there is another category.  It’s those that don’t have labeled Alcoholism, yet their tendencies are certainly leaning them in that direction.  Like I did, they struggle with stopping.  They struggle with cravings, withdrawal, hangovers, irritable behavior and more.  Though in their minds, and maybe in our culture they are not Alcoholics.   

So I’m calling Bullshit!  You don’t have to be an Alcoholic, to be an Alcoholic.  You don’t have to be a bum on the street drinking out of brown bag to be an Alcoholic.  And you don’t have to be in a recovery program to be an Alcoholic.  You can simply be the guy on the golf course that starts drinking on the turn and continues all day, neglecting family and duty.  Or the evening drinker that uses Alcohol to “distress” but wakes up with hangovers multiple times a week.  Or the weekend binge drinker.  The nightly wine mom.  There are so many examples.

Like I said, I’m not even sure if Alcoholic is the right term.  Who really cares?  If that label helps someone struggling. Then hell yeah! 

Lets just not use that label to dismiss other detrimental behavior that isn’t elevated to the level of quote Alcoholism.  Cause it likely is.  Or it’s coming…

For me.  I don’t know.  I’m pretty sure I don’t have to be an Alcoholic in our cultures view, to be an Alcoholic…

Here’s what I do know. 
Alcohol was making me feel terrible in my life.  Depressed, anxious, tired, fat, and irritable.
 Sad. 
And yet, I still continued to repeat the cycle.  Maybe that should be the definition of
Alcoholic.  Using Alcohol to try and feel
good, despite feeling miserable when drinking. 
And doing that over and over again…

If so, then we have a lot of Alcoholics living in denial…. Or maybe non-Alcoholics living in hell.   Heck maybe you don’t have to be an Alcoholic. To be one?

Awkward topic alert. Since i’m virtually anonymous here, why not discuss. Is sober sex for real? Is it really better? Is this a thing?

I heard a little about this from podcasts. That sober sex is way better. In my mind i thought whatever. I’ve had sober sex before. Its fine, not much different. But wait, is it? Did i really? Lets explore.

First, what is sober sex. Its not just intimacy while being sober (ish). Like the morning, groggy sex. Or a few days off drinking / stress sex. Or a mid day nooner. I would consider non of these really sober sex unless you have been sober for some time (and likely your partner as well).

I say this because i know both sides now. In my 20s, how should i say this… i was both a partier and a male slut. I was loose. I enjoyed a rock start lifestyle, traveling the world, partying and hooking up. It was fun at the time (though i do look back and regret some behavior). And sex was a big part of it. Sure some good, some ok and some just plain bad.

I thought i was pretty fun in the sack, but also secretly either didn’t care, wasn’t conscious or questioned my skills. Its just an odd topic. Its not like you engage then ask your partner, hey how did i do. Especially if your partner is a drinker too, then likely neither really understand.

Later in life i got married. Spent my 30s as a couple and really loved the intimacy with my wife. However, much of that also revolved around drinking. Wine at night, hungover in the morning. There were some good times, but much of it was eh… Especially in the later part of our marriage. that whole 7 year itch thing. She was not very interested, i was not making a fair effort. Our intimacy was so so. Leaning to not very good. Dare i say i was a bad lover.

But in reality i was. I wasn’t conscious. i was dealing with a pretty hefty drinking problem that brought on all sorts of issues. Irritable, stress, depression, overweight and all that shit adds up. In the bedroom, i was not a healthy person. i was confused, battling issues in my head and certainly not giving my partner the love she deserved.

Its hard to say, because she ultimately left me. Broke my heart and blamed me. It wasn’t like we didn’t have intimacy it just sort of faded away. But now looking back, i realize that i was not any sort of magical in the intimacy department. To be fair to myself. She was also dealing with her own issues, including drinking too much and looking elsewhere for attention and her own sexual desires. Same, same maybe? Your bad, my bad…

2.5 years later, sober and back into the dating world. (Note, i took about 1 full year off from intimacy through this period). i was in full blown sober zombie mode, and divorce depression. i was in no place for intimacy, sex or anything like that.

Slowly, i started to get back in the dating game. My friends were urging me to get back out there. Meet women for coffee and connect. I reluctantly did. Slowly, cautiously, scared as heck, i started dating. Sober mind you…

In fact, reflecting back on my dating life up until this. Drinking was always involved. From high school hook ups at parties. To college craziness. Even meeting my now ex wife. We got sauced the first time we hooked up.

So doing this all sober was gnarly! I’d meet for coffee. Later a dinner, tell my quick sober story and move on. Most women were cool about it. And the first couple times intimacy was involved, i was not even there. Like an out of body experience. I knew the basics, but i had no connection, no idea what the hell i was doing. Like a High School kid at 40plus years old. So weird.

Then i finally met a women i’ve been dating for a few months now. She happened to be my Yoga instructor and is extremely kind, understanding, compassionate and dang sexy!

So with respect to her, i don’t want to get into the details. However, from my perspective. Being sober and being intimate is next level. It is truly a wonderful connection. A conscious experience. Its fun! Its pure. Its bonding, its beautiful. Its respectful (to her, to me), its giving. Its silly, its joyful. Its sexy. Its mind-blowing. Its soulful. Its wonderful…and its healthy.

Sober sex or sober intimacy is a real thing. I literally never really had it until now. Years being clear headed and now able to connect in a special way.

i respect my partner. But even more so, i respect myself. And that connection is amazing…