Anxiety is a bitch. If you have never dealt with anxiety, like real gnarly paralyzing anxiety, then consider yourself very lucky. If you have, then I think you will agree that anxiety is really fucking weird. However, I do think it has its purpose.
As a kid I remember having a few strange episodes. I still wonder if it was anxiety or just common kid nerves and stuff. I remember having severe stage fright as I was dressed as a cowboy at my kindergarten show (I mean who wouldn’t wearing this type of outfit). At least I think I remember it. I have a photo of a crying me and it sends a symbol of anxiety that I likely felt.
Later I remember getting real heavy anxiety when my parents left for a night out. My babysitter had to call for help, as I was really spooked that something was going to happen to them. I would cry and freak out. And too old for this behavior at 11 or 12. My mom has mentioned that it was intuition to their looming divorce. Maybe. But it was also panic and caused me a lot of stress (especially for my babysitter).
Then it was gone. Like literally gone for 20 plus years. I was super social. I played sports at high levels. With a profession that often put me in front of people presenting, or speaking. A little nervy at times but nothing that I would consider anxiety.
Then at some point in my mid 30s it reappeared. After a night of drinking, I would wake up with a hangover, which I was used to battling and getting through. However now something different was happening. I’d start getting anxious upon waking up. Feeling terrible while my mind started to spin out.
This would happen more and more as I continued my normal drinking pattern. Even showing up on days when I hadn’t drunk the night before. It was strange. I didn’t really understand it. Just tried to block it out.
But the more I tried to block it out, the bigger it got. The feeling was a mixture of dread and panic. Somewhere in the middle. Dreading the anxious feeling that I was going to feel, or was feeling. Then worrying if I was going to go deeper with panic. Bouncing around in the middle was the worst. Just constantly in my mind. Tripping.
In fact, it was sorta of like I was having a bad trip or peaking on shrooms or LSD. Hoping at some point I was going to come down. But the trip was for days, months and longer. This low-level stress, anxiety trip just sitting on my shoulder telling me what if you freak out…
It just got worse and worse. Sadly debilitating my mind, my life. Things like flying became sketchy and scary. Or a small presentation had my heart racing for hours before hand. Driving over a bridge had my hands gripped to the steering wheel. It didn’t make sense, which added to the stress of it all. Why is this happening?
Further, the anxiety kept building in my mind. The anxiety created anxiety. I’d get anxiety about wondering if I would get anxiety if that makes sense. It was so strange. I’d think about the most fucked up possibilities and then wonder if that would happen to me. A simple event like a friends wedding would bring on worry that I would panic during the ceremony and cause a disruption. Maybe have trouble breathing, get short of breath and pass out. Or worse I would be trapped sitting in a row between people and wouldn’t be able to leave. I’d have to talk myself down of simply attending a nice pleasant event. Something I should be relaxed for and enjoy, turned into days of anxious stress.
Once, a strong, confident person. Now inside I was a mess of emotional anxiety. It was eating away at me.
Drinking was the only thing that really helped calm that anxiety. It was pretty much immediate. Drink in hand and my anxiety would mellow. Until of course the next day. Where it would return almost bigger.
Throw some coffee in the morning and smokes at night with the drinking and my anxiety trip was fueled.
As it all worsened, my life began to fall apart as well. I was in constant struggle with my mind. Pushing the anxiety aside. At least trying to. While drinking, while getting depressed that I had this scary anxiety.
I’ve mentioned in my previous blogs, my wife left me. It must have been so hard for her to deal with a partner that wasn’t present. That was living in a strange anxious world of stress and depression. I’m sad that she had to deal with that. I’m sad I had to as well.
Then I finally quit drinking. And slowly the anxiety started to subside. It became more calm. Not the heighten daily stress. Rather occasionally coming out to test me. Except now I was more equipped to deal. Maybe I needed to meditate that day. Or lean into the anxiety. What was it saying? Why am I anxious? Then I would embrace, breath and try to move past it.
Now I’m quit certain that the anxiety is our body’s way of telling us, warning us of looming issues. It’s a bit intuitive maybe. But for me, anxiety was saying, bro if you don’t stop drinking your going to die. Its time for you to check yourself. If not, I’m going to give you hell until you do.
And it was hell, and it was right. Anxiety has its purpose. Its there for a reason. Maybe we should try and understand it rather than to numb it with alcohol or Xanax. Though I don’t want to judge those that need some help. It’s a horrible feeling at times. I’ve avoided pills, but I did just take a few supplements to help better realign my body and that seemed to take me down a level when anxious. And maybe I should chill on the coffee intake…:)
And look, I’m a year past being alcohol free, and I still get anxiety. It sucks, but maybe its back for another lesson. Nudging me in another direction. Career? Relationships? Life challenges? I’m not quite sure, but hoping to learn soon.
I have deep compassion for those that suffer from anxiety. It’s brutal. I read that over 500 million people deal with severe anxiety. We live in an anxious world. But maybe we can learn from it.
I for one am grateful for anxiety, for helping me move on from drinking. Thank you anxiety, I appreciate your help but what are you trying to tell me now?