As I battled drinking off and on for years. It was hard for me to distinguish if I actually had a problem. Maybe I was just normal and being a wuss? Looking around many of my friends were partying hard. I’d see them at the bar, or at a dinner party drinking heavily. On the golf course pounding beers, or at a work event.  Was it just me? Did I even have a problem?

 

This is something I challenged for years. After a gnarly hangover i would think, should I quit? Or just toughen up. This inner conflict was brutal. In fact the conflict in itself was becoming an issue as it repeated in my head.

 

In addition I’d have close friends, family and even my wife at the time tell me that I was making too big a deal about my drinking. After all, I didn’t drink every day. Or in the morning. I wasn’t a violent drunk. I was actually pretty funny and entertaining. I was not the alcoholic we see in movies that hid drinking, went crazy and lost everything.

 

However, and this is big, I was going crazy in my mind.  I was constantly thinking about when I could or could not drink. It was absorbing my life. I’d get so stoked when I was going to drink next. I’d think about it all day. Maybe even for days at a time. That’s probably not a good sign. Drinking was a huge part of my thoughts. And as soon as I started drinking, I new I was going to send it. I was going to light it up. I was going to drink, then smoke a couple cigs. And then, I would wake up hating myself for it…

 

Was everyone else going through this? I was confused. I knew others that drank more. They looked more wrecked, out of shape and weathered from it. Did they suffer from this self-hate too?

 

I compared myself a lot. After giving it thought, it often seemed that maybe I was just being weak. That I needed to toughen up and deal with my drinking. Others could. What was my problem?

 

So I continued. Drinking, not drinking, drinking. Hangovers, days off, and then more hangovers. The cycle was exhausting. But I was “dealing” with it. I didn’t have a problem because I seemed normal compared to many others.

 

But why did I hate myself so much for it? How come I felt so depressed? Until I could drink again then repeating the self hate. Man I was really going circles with my theory about my drinking.

 

Never mind the 20 years of binge drinking that started in high school. Or the periods through college and ski towns where I consumed a ton of drugs. Seemed like a lot of my friends had similar experiences. I was the standard. And those black out nights, or stretches when I drank for a week straight on spring break, or the consequences of getting a DUI or the many, many random hook ups. Those were all part of my 20s culture. I made it through those days. I was now married. And more mellow. Mature. I drank wine now. I was sophisticated.

 

Did I really have a problem? Sure I was over weight. Yes I looked aged. My skin was out of whack. But that’s probably just normal aging right?

 

But what about the depression. Is that normal? And then came the anxiety. Holy shit, where did the anxiety come from? I have been social my whole life, now I was all freaked out about being around others. I really needed to drink then. And then came work anxiety, I had a hard time giving the smallest of presentations. After doing them for years. WTF.   Even worse came some phobias. A plane ride became stressful. An elevator caused minor panic. My body was all jacked up.

 

So guess what helped ease all that. Take away the depression. The anxiety. The stress of weird phobias. Yep. Drinking. You give me that or let me know that I can have some drinks in the near future, (like that afternoon) and everything became ok. I would calm down.

 

Only until that first drink. Then it would repeat. Getting worse each morning after.

 

But this wasn’t about drinking right. This must be something else. Maybe I need some Xanax to calm those weird nerves. Maybe mellow on caffeine. Yep, I tried them all. Except for the not drinking thing. Anything but that because, it wasn’t like I had problem. Everyone drank that much around me. If not more.

 

It wasn’t till life started to really fall a part that I took the heavy and hard look at my drinking problem. At least at a more serious level. Like I mentioned I had wondered for some time. However now shit was getting real. My wife was leaving me. Part because of my depression, my anxiety, my negativity, my selfishness. But even in her words I wasn’t an alcoholic.

 

And maybe I’m not. Maybe I just have a fucking drinking problem. I don’t care what you call it. But alcohol, beer and wine were causing me so much hell. Self hate. Confusion. Depression. Low self esteem. Low self-confidence. And now wrecking my life. I was in a very dark place. As dark as they get in some ways. Especially in my mind, I had gnarly bad thoughts of the worse kind.

 

I performed poorly at my job. I performed poorly as a husband. I performed poorly socially. I was all messed up.

 

Too this day, I have friends even some family that question this. Did I even have a problem? Often telling me to mellow out and have a drink. Sorry. Wish I could. But I can’t just have one potato chip. I’ll eat the whole bag. So it’s best I don’t have any.

 

Did I even have a problem? Yeah man. I did. I still do. Except I don’t, because I don’t drink any more and as long as I do that. I eliminated that problem.

 

And you know what. Weird. The depression. The anxiety. The phobias. The self hate. All that seems to be going away. Funny how that works. Maybe a connection (sarcasm).

 

I wish I new about this problem sooner. I wish I didn’t try to fight it for so long. In a culture that revolves around drinking.  Associating alcohol as mandatory with having fun.   It was hard for me to see the light. I see it now though. Bright as ever.

 

To others who question if they have a drinking problem. I bet you know the answer. I did. It just took me a while to figure it out.