Awkward topic alert. Since i’m virtually anonymous here, why not discuss. Is sober sex for real? Is it really better? Is this a thing?

I heard a little about this from podcasts. That sober sex is way better. In my mind i thought whatever. I’ve had sober sex before. Its fine, not much different. But wait, is it? Did i really? Lets explore.

First, what is sober sex. Its not just intimacy while being sober (ish). Like the morning, groggy sex. Or a few days off drinking / stress sex. Or a mid day nooner. I would consider non of these really sober sex unless you have been sober for some time (and likely your partner as well).

I say this because i know both sides now. In my 20s, how should i say this… i was both a partier and a male slut. I was loose. I enjoyed a rock start lifestyle, traveling the world, partying and hooking up. It was fun at the time (though i do look back and regret some behavior). And sex was a big part of it. Sure some good, some ok and some just plain bad.

I thought i was pretty fun in the sack, but also secretly either didn’t care, wasn’t conscious or questioned my skills. Its just an odd topic. Its not like you engage then ask your partner, hey how did i do. Especially if your partner is a drinker too, then likely neither really understand.

Later in life i got married. Spent my 30s as a couple and really loved the intimacy with my wife. However, much of that also revolved around drinking. Wine at night, hungover in the morning. There were some good times, but much of it was eh… Especially in the later part of our marriage. that whole 7 year itch thing. She was not very interested, i was not making a fair effort. Our intimacy was so so. Leaning to not very good. Dare i say i was a bad lover.

But in reality i was. I wasn’t conscious. i was dealing with a pretty hefty drinking problem that brought on all sorts of issues. Irritable, stress, depression, overweight and all that shit adds up. In the bedroom, i was not a healthy person. i was confused, battling issues in my head and certainly not giving my partner the love she deserved.

Its hard to say, because she ultimately left me. Broke my heart and blamed me. It wasn’t like we didn’t have intimacy it just sort of faded away. But now looking back, i realize that i was not any sort of magical in the intimacy department. To be fair to myself. She was also dealing with her own issues, including drinking too much and looking elsewhere for attention and her own sexual desires. Same, same maybe? Your bad, my bad…

2.5 years later, sober and back into the dating world. (Note, i took about 1 full year off from intimacy through this period). i was in full blown sober zombie mode, and divorce depression. i was in no place for intimacy, sex or anything like that.

Slowly, i started to get back in the dating game. My friends were urging me to get back out there. Meet women for coffee and connect. I reluctantly did. Slowly, cautiously, scared as heck, i started dating. Sober mind you…

In fact, reflecting back on my dating life up until this. Drinking was always involved. From high school hook ups at parties. To college craziness. Even meeting my now ex wife. We got sauced the first time we hooked up.

So doing this all sober was gnarly! I’d meet for coffee. Later a dinner, tell my quick sober story and move on. Most women were cool about it. And the first couple times intimacy was involved, i was not even there. Like an out of body experience. I knew the basics, but i had no connection, no idea what the hell i was doing. Like a High School kid at 40plus years old. So weird.

Then i finally met a women i’ve been dating for a few months now. She happened to be my Yoga instructor and is extremely kind, understanding, compassionate and dang sexy!

So with respect to her, i don’t want to get into the details. However, from my perspective. Being sober and being intimate is next level. It is truly a wonderful connection. A conscious experience. Its fun! Its pure. Its bonding, its beautiful. Its respectful (to her, to me), its giving. Its silly, its joyful. Its sexy. Its mind-blowing. Its soulful. Its wonderful…and its healthy.

Sober sex or sober intimacy is a real thing. I literally never really had it until now. Years being clear headed and now able to connect in a special way.

i respect my partner. But even more so, i respect myself. And that connection is amazing…